saying goodbye

I am back after three weeks of mourning, remembering, crying, lots of huges, so many calls and emails and thinking of you notes that mean so much to me. I spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday resting, running around a bit, being with people that let me talk about Jon over and over again and trying to make sense of the sad direction that everything went so suddenly. I was - and still am- mad that we didn't get that weekend together to do all of the things we planned and just be around each other for the first time in months. I am mad at myself for many things but have realized that I need to forgive and stop asking why and what if and take our relationship and what we had and put it somewhere safe and always tap into the love that we had for each other. I went by his mom's house twice before I finally heard from them - they arrived home from Florida Friday night and said that I could come by Saturday afternoon after they met with the Rabbi. Saturday there was a get together at MaGerk's during the day - Kristen met me there. Brad, Andie, Marianne, Casey, John, Paul, Treon, Jamie, Rich, Suzy, Kara, Brian, Max were all there to be around one another and remember Jon. l left from there to head up to his family's house. I was nervous but glad to finally get to see them after the hell they had been through the past week - I can't imagine.

I lost it when I walked into that house where he and I had only been together. His brother answered the door and hugged me so tight. His mom, his dad, his aunt, his sisters-in-law...it made me feel good to be around them as they remind me so much of him at times and was also hard. I know that they love me, recognize how special Jon and I were to each other and how much he loved me - they told me that and also said that they wished things had been different with us and that we would have gotten married. This is of course a compliment and yet also hurt at the same time. I spent 6 hours there that day and drove to Kara and Brian's that night. We were supposed to go to a tribute jam session that some of Jon's friends were doing that night, but I just didn't feel up to it. Kara and Brian were so great. They just listened and let me cry and we talked and I don't know what I would do without them. I learned that the service was set for Monday at 3 pm. Jon's mom invited me back on Sunday and to the private viewing on Sunday night. It was hard for me to decide what to d0 - but in the end, I felt that since I was able to spend so much time with the family over the weekend, I didn't have to go to the service. I could say my goodbye on Sunday night and then fly to Florida with Dad and Bubi on Monday morning. I ran around a bit on Sunday- got my feet done, met Meredith and Jaime for tea and headed up to Eldersburg to see mom and Chrissy. I changed and headed to Pikesville around 3:30 pm. We visited for a while (Willie had been there earlier to replace their toilet). I found it ironic that it was super bowl sunday and remembered the last time the Steelers were in the super bowl, he and I watched on his couch - just the two of us - and ordered food. We had dinner together - I guess it was the start of the shiva - Diane was there - I hadn't seen her since Uncle David's service.

Some people decided not to go to Sol Levinson. I drove with Gwidyon, Maura (who I connected with instantly, she is such a doll) and Sophia. Jon's mom decided not to go - she didn't want to see him that way. When we got there there were a few people there including Missy. We went into the back room and they asked that just family stay - I was included and so touched by that. After a while they opened the casket. I would be lying if I didn't say it was shocking - to see my baby lying there. I can't really explain the emotions and the heart ache. I was able to put a Valentine's day card in the casket, also there was a picture that Solana had made for him, a comic book and locks of his parents hair. He had on the orange shirt that he loved and that I have pictures of him in. It was hard to leave him.