My cruise was truly amazing! It was so nice to spend an extended period of time with Dad and Bubi. They were so great to me- listened whenever I needed to talk about Jon, let me have space if I just had to go be sad, didn't make comments about the sleeping pills that I needed to take the first few nights so I would just stop thinking what if and about what might have been... I couldn't have asked for better travel companions during such a hard time.
I missed the serivce - Mom, Kristen, Kara, Brian and Kendall went and I was so grateful about that. I think that Jon would have wanted me to be away on vacation with my family.
The ports that we stopped in were amazing - Costa Rica, Panama, Cartegea, Columbia and the DR. I hadn't been to any of them before- our first stop was Cozumel which I have been to but heart Mexico so it was cool to go back.
We ate very well and often. I sat out by the pool and read every chance that I got. I spent a lot of time in the steam room, had two massages, took a few stretching and aerobics classics.
I also met someone...this was very - unexpected. I noticed whenever I was in the dining room there was always this guy that stared at me. Wednesday night, he asked me to meet him in the disco. I didn't. The next night he told me that I didn't show up and asked me to meet him when he got off work. I did - he had a bottle of italian red wine and two wine glasses. We sat outside in the back of the ship and talked for hours. His name is Alessandro - he is from Naples, speaks 5 languages and just says whatever he is feeling which is so nice. Every night he told me about his day - always relating back to me and when he saw me, what he thought. He also tried very hard to teach me some Italian - I didn't retain as much of it as I would have liked but I loved how he sounded when he said it... more later
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
saying goodbye
I am back after three weeks of mourning, remembering, crying, lots of huges, so many calls and emails and thinking of you notes that mean so much to me. I spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday resting, running around a bit, being with people that let me talk about Jon over and over again and trying to make sense of the sad direction that everything went so suddenly. I was - and still am- mad that we didn't get that weekend together to do all of the things we planned and just be around each other for the first time in months. I am mad at myself for many things but have realized that I need to forgive and stop asking why and what if and take our relationship and what we had and put it somewhere safe and always tap into the love that we had for each other. I went by his mom's house twice before I finally heard from them - they arrived home from Florida Friday night and said that I could come by Saturday afternoon after they met with the Rabbi. Saturday there was a get together at MaGerk's during the day - Kristen met me there. Brad, Andie, Marianne, Casey, John, Paul, Treon, Jamie, Rich, Suzy, Kara, Brian, Max were all there to be around one another and remember Jon. l left from there to head up to his family's house. I was nervous but glad to finally get to see them after the hell they had been through the past week - I can't imagine.
I lost it when I walked into that house where he and I had only been together. His brother answered the door and hugged me so tight. His mom, his dad, his aunt, his sisters-in-law...it made me feel good to be around them as they remind me so much of him at times and was also hard. I know that they love me, recognize how special Jon and I were to each other and how much he loved me - they told me that and also said that they wished things had been different with us and that we would have gotten married. This is of course a compliment and yet also hurt at the same time. I spent 6 hours there that day and drove to Kara and Brian's that night. We were supposed to go to a tribute jam session that some of Jon's friends were doing that night, but I just didn't feel up to it. Kara and Brian were so great. They just listened and let me cry and we talked and I don't know what I would do without them. I learned that the service was set for Monday at 3 pm. Jon's mom invited me back on Sunday and to the private viewing on Sunday night. It was hard for me to decide what to d0 - but in the end, I felt that since I was able to spend so much time with the family over the weekend, I didn't have to go to the service. I could say my goodbye on Sunday night and then fly to Florida with Dad and Bubi on Monday morning. I ran around a bit on Sunday- got my feet done, met Meredith and Jaime for tea and headed up to Eldersburg to see mom and Chrissy. I changed and headed to Pikesville around 3:30 pm. We visited for a while (Willie had been there earlier to replace their toilet). I found it ironic that it was super bowl sunday and remembered the last time the Steelers were in the super bowl, he and I watched on his couch - just the two of us - and ordered food. We had dinner together - I guess it was the start of the shiva - Diane was there - I hadn't seen her since Uncle David's service.
Some people decided not to go to Sol Levinson. I drove with Gwidyon, Maura (who I connected with instantly, she is such a doll) and Sophia. Jon's mom decided not to go - she didn't want to see him that way. When we got there there were a few people there including Missy. We went into the back room and they asked that just family stay - I was included and so touched by that. After a while they opened the casket. I would be lying if I didn't say it was shocking - to see my baby lying there. I can't really explain the emotions and the heart ache. I was able to put a Valentine's day card in the casket, also there was a picture that Solana had made for him, a comic book and locks of his parents hair. He had on the orange shirt that he loved and that I have pictures of him in. It was hard to leave him.
I lost it when I walked into that house where he and I had only been together. His brother answered the door and hugged me so tight. His mom, his dad, his aunt, his sisters-in-law...it made me feel good to be around them as they remind me so much of him at times and was also hard. I know that they love me, recognize how special Jon and I were to each other and how much he loved me - they told me that and also said that they wished things had been different with us and that we would have gotten married. This is of course a compliment and yet also hurt at the same time. I spent 6 hours there that day and drove to Kara and Brian's that night. We were supposed to go to a tribute jam session that some of Jon's friends were doing that night, but I just didn't feel up to it. Kara and Brian were so great. They just listened and let me cry and we talked and I don't know what I would do without them. I learned that the service was set for Monday at 3 pm. Jon's mom invited me back on Sunday and to the private viewing on Sunday night. It was hard for me to decide what to d0 - but in the end, I felt that since I was able to spend so much time with the family over the weekend, I didn't have to go to the service. I could say my goodbye on Sunday night and then fly to Florida with Dad and Bubi on Monday morning. I ran around a bit on Sunday- got my feet done, met Meredith and Jaime for tea and headed up to Eldersburg to see mom and Chrissy. I changed and headed to Pikesville around 3:30 pm. We visited for a while (Willie had been there earlier to replace their toilet). I found it ironic that it was super bowl sunday and remembered the last time the Steelers were in the super bowl, he and I watched on his couch - just the two of us - and ordered food. We had dinner together - I guess it was the start of the shiva - Diane was there - I hadn't seen her since Uncle David's service.
Some people decided not to go to Sol Levinson. I drove with Gwidyon, Maura (who I connected with instantly, she is such a doll) and Sophia. Jon's mom decided not to go - she didn't want to see him that way. When we got there there were a few people there including Missy. We went into the back room and they asked that just family stay - I was included and so touched by that. After a while they opened the casket. I would be lying if I didn't say it was shocking - to see my baby lying there. I can't really explain the emotions and the heart ache. I was able to put a Valentine's day card in the casket, also there was a picture that Solana had made for him, a comic book and locks of his parents hair. He had on the orange shirt that he loved and that I have pictures of him in. It was hard to leave him.
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